TO:
Fer'Bona Incom
CEO, Lightsabers 'R' Us Incorporated
FROM:
D. Maul
Coruscant General Hospital
Dear Sir:
Thanks muchly for allowing me to try out the prototype for your new DuelBlade 2000T doublebladed lightsaber. While the advanced technology you provide is certainly exciting, the design flaws involved cost me and my Master our revenge against the long-hated Jedi and I myself am writing this from inside two separate Bacta tanks.
This DuelBladeT is completely unusable and hazardous to the owner's health for the following reasons:
1.THE RADIATION SHIELDING IS INADEQUATE.
I am aware that your physicians have run repeated tests that
show that the DuelBlade'sT shielding is up to UL standards, but I
find it extremely suspicious that shortly after I began using it my
eyes turned yellow. And then my teeth started to fall out. My doctor
says this isn't normal, and also states that your assertion that the hooded
robes I wear "frequently cause scalp irritations that sometimes develop
into little yellow horns" is not a
statement that would stand up in court.
2.THE BLADE DESIGN IS ONLY CONDUCIVE TO FIGHTING JEDI KNIGHTS.
While the DuelBlade'sT patent-pending doubleblade configuration is
definitely unique, only Jedi seem dumb enough to swing at the saber blades
out on the end. Everyone else I fought with just aimed at the handle,
which is three feet wide, located smack in the center of my body, and has
my hands on it - at one training stage I was going through three or four
artificial hands a week. (And three or four training partners - we Sith
have to keep that veil of secrecy, y'know.) I'm not quite sure why only
Jedi are inclined to actually go for the blades, but then again, these
are the same Jedi I kicked in the face three or four times and they never
seemed to catch on to STAY AWAY FROM THE FEET. They're noble, but they're
not too bright.
3.THE ACTIVATION BUTTONS ARE POORLY PLACED AND THERE IS A HIGH LEARNING
CURVE.
When I finally graduate from my "Advanced Enemy Asphyxiation 101" Sith
class next week, I'm going to strangle everyone in your R&D department
for coming up with this one. Who the heck decided that having big off-and-on
buttons on a handle you're supposed to twirl around with both hands was
a good idea? Every time I twirled, I hit a button by mistake and shut it
off. Do you realize embarassing it is to pull off a really cool baton-style
twist and end up with a deactivated saber? All of the other Sith were laughing
at me. Well, the other Sith, anyway.
Don't get me wrong...I appreciate that your design department put in special lock switches for me - but they didn't hold that well. During my last fight, I had it locked down. I had this little dweeb of an apprentice with a really bad ponytail trapped down a well and sure enough, just like I thought, he used the Force to leap out of the pit and slice me in half - and when I went to swing, the on-switch lock failed and I was left standing there saberless! Do you realize how dangerous this is? I could have been killed!
As it was, he sliced me in two, but that leads me to the "high learning curve" aspect of this discussion - normally a bisectional cut through the abdomen would be fatal, but fortunately I'd accidentally sliced myself in half so often trying to use this thing that my lower intestine had been replaced with a rubber tube from a '47 landspeeder and I just glued myself back together. I'm more machine than man, now. Darth Sidious has told me that as a result of my failure, he's thinking about replacing me with some young kid - a kid who'll be all human, not just a bunch of cybernetic parts. Man, I hope I can make the grade.
Yours truly,
D. Maul
Sith Apprentice-In-Training