Musings by The Ferrett
 

At the end of Titanic, Jack dies a horrid death. If you did not know this because you have not yet seen Titanic, then come over to my house so I can put you in a box and charge people five bucks a head to come look at you. And if you have not seen it and are dumb enough to complain that I have now the ending  for you, then let me point out this: In the first six minutes of the film, some old biddy who survived the wreck (as played by award-winning biddy Gloria Stuart) discusses the great love of her life that she met on-board the Titanic. Yet somehow Mister Great Love is not around sixty years later. Do the math. Two minus one is a drowned Dicaprio. Which some might say is a good thing.

And yet I digress.

So, at the finale of Titanic, Jack sacrifices himself, slipping silently beneath the waves to save his love Rose. And I was a tad worried about drowning myself, since the young women around me were sobbing so fervently that lakes and rivers were starting to form on the floor of the theater. "Jack!" they cried, weeping so hard they sprained their eyelids, "Oh my God, he
sacrificed himself for her! Jack! The greatest love of Rose's life just. died! What a tragedy!"

Meanwhile, my ever-realistic pal Jim sat next to me and munched popcorn. "A tragedy? What a relief!" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm (mixing with the tears on the floor of the theater to create a caustic fluid, which the management later bottled and sold as antifreeze).

"Whaddayou mean, Jim?" said I.

"Look at this way," he said, keeping his voice low so hordes of prepubescent teenyboppers wouldn't tear him limb from limb. "The guy's an itinerant artist and gambler, right? A drifter all his life? What makes you think he's going to settle down now?"

I looked up at the screen. Jack's face was sinking fast to the bottom of the sea.

"She should thank God he died now," he continued. "What they don't show you is what would have happened if he'd lived. Jack would have been good for about a month. then he'd start sketching other women once the thrill wore off. Pretty soon he'd be gambling and drinking every night, siring children, coming home with his hat in his hand but still going out the next night..  She's better off with him dead."

I looked at the bawling teenagers around me and couldn't disagree with him. They wanted a bad boy, a rebel and a dreamer who'd somehow be faithful to them and them alone. Such are the fantasies of which pipe dreams are made.

And then I thought: Hmmm.

Han Solo.

Yet another bad boy of the movies. And Han's even worse: Not only is he a rebel - or should I say a Rebel? - but a drug smuggler, financially irresponsible (does he pay Jabba when he has the money? Can't  he just send the man a check?), and a murderer to boot. (He shot Greedo first, dammit. I don't care what Lucas says. Or does.)

So I got to thinking: How do we know that Han and Leia had a happy life together?

Die-hard fans snap an answer right back at me: Because of the books.

Sure, they had some rough moments - the time that Han was so absolutely whipped he cried on See-Threepio's shoulder and tried to buy Leia a planet to get her love back springs instantly to mind - but basically, they're all right. Han settled down quite
nicely, had two kids, became a responsible parent, got a duplex with a two-Corellian Corvette garage and lived happily ever after. Hey, that's what happened, right? The books said it! The books did!

Except.

Except.

That all of us book readers know that Wedge spent several months retaking the Empire's last stronghold on Coruscant. And yet, at the end of ROTJ: SE.. we are shown Coruscant with fireworks going off and statues toppling, free of the Emperor's evil influence at last.

What happened? Are the books canon? Did they really occur? And then it hit me:

All of the books are Leia's dream.

Kinda creepy, huh? Notice that Kafkaesque feeling breathing down the back of your neck? But it all makes sense. Leia winds up totally happy with two kids and an adoring husband, Supreme Power of the triumphant Rebel Powers. The guy she was getting hot monkey-kisses from who turned out to be her brother.. Well, he just doesn't seem that interested in having a girlfriend anyway, so he wasn't attracted to her that way.

So. All the books are an Organan fantasy. What really happened after the Holy Trilogy?

Did you think I wasn't going to tell you? Silly puppy.

Luke Skywalker. It was such a relief when he finally laid his father's body - his father! Not Vader! - to rest. As the empty shell of Darth Vader's armor smoked and burned on the fire, Luke thought about what a close thing it had been. The Dark Side had almost claimed his father's soul. The Emperor had almost won. But he knew he had done the right thing when he saw Anakin Skywalker, outlined in a silky blue haze, waving happily to him. There was no question: He had set his father's soul free at last! And Obi-Wan and Yoda were there, too, gleefully waving at him.

Luke's smile wavered when the three spirits walked over to him and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Dad?" he said uncertainly.

"Oh come on, son!" said Anakin jovially. "You didn't think I'd just go away, did you? We have years of catching up to do! And Obi-Wan misses you as well!"

"But - I thought - well, you're dead, dad. Don't you have somewhere else to go?"

"Ah, that light at the end of the tunnel thing? Not for me. And Obi-Wan's been hanging around helping you out for so long he's just plumb forgotten how to get back. Nah, we're here for the long run! To help you!"

"That's - that's, uh, great, dad, but I was kind of hoping on starting up the Jedi Academy myself.."

"Nonsense! And leave my son alone? You don't know the first thing about starting up a Jedi stronghold! For one thing, you're wearing the wrong clothing. Who told you you looked good in black?"

"Well, I -"

"Black's for bad guys! Trust me, I know! And for another thing, you need to cut your hair. It's too long. Ya look like a damn hippy! Can't attract any students looking like some long-haired radical.."

"But I'm a Rebel, for God's sake!"

"Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Me, the Yodster and Obi-Wan here'll whip you into shape. Hey, every guy loves getting lots of directions from his dad. Think of how great it'll be with three father figures telling you what to do."

When Luke committed suicide three weeks later, nobody was much surprised. Unfortunately, Luke also came back as one of the Blue Fuzzies (as Yoda, Anakin, and Old Ben came to be known) and spent the rest of eternity listening to endless diatribes about how he wasted his potential. From then on, the phrase "The Force will be with you. always" took on a whole new meaning.

Leia and Han. Well, it went perfectly up until the wedding. Han was as loving and considerate as he could be, and Leia actually defrosted a bit and kissed him in public. They held hands and giggled and acted like newlyweds.

However, the ceremony came to a screeching halt when it turned out Chewbacca was a woman.

You see, Han never really had spoken Wookieese very well, and he'd confused the term "lifedebt" with the very fimilar-sounding "arranged marriage". Chewbacca wasn't familiar enough with human courting terms to think of Leia as a potential rival - her experience with dating Han Solo involved shooting stormtroopers and going out on long romantic runs around the black holes of Kessel. And as for the mating rituals, well, she just assumed Han wasn't in heat yet. So when Chewie
finally understood what the white dress and the gold ring meant, it came as a kind of shock to all concerned.

See-Threepio translated as Chewbacca laid bare her feelings for Han, and he was a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, frankly. As for Leia, she was furious. How dare this walking carpet interrupt her, the last Princess of Organa, on her wedding day?

Somebody called Jerry Springer.

Leia agreed to go on, which was unfortunate because she'd forgotten how Jerry encouraged fighting on the show. She got carried away and slapped Chewbacca about halfway through, and when Chewie slapped back it took a construction crew to get Leia's head out of the studio wall. Leia left Han shortly after that. Fortunately, any potentially messy man-Wookiee
entanglements were quickly cleared up when, via a coincidence of unprecedented proportions, Chewie turned out to be Han's sister. And they all lived happily ever after.

Wedge. He later ran for President Of The Rebel Alliance on his war record, but despite his magnificent accomplishments nobody except the most die-hard war scholars knew who the hell he was.

Lando Calrissian. He ran against Wedge and won in a landslide, taking control of the considerable might of the Rebel Alliance. Which sounded very impressive until he lost it three weeks later in a sabacc game.

Admiral Ackbar. A charming, witty individual who many had picked to succeed Princess Leia as head of the Rebel Alliance, he met an unfortunate demise one day when a pre-med student, confused by a reference to the fact that "Admiral Ackbar sleeps with the fishes", embalmed him by mistake. It's entirely possible that, thanks to his inhuman anatomy, Ackbar might have  survived the embalming, but a mysterious "Mrs. Gordon" picked up the remains immediately thereafter and headed for the sticks.

See-Threepio. Loyal to the end, Threepio shut himself down when it was discovered that despite his immense protocol skills, he didn't have what it took to understand a system that was running Windows 98.

Boba Fett. Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

Repeat for a thousand years.